This one is for you mom…

Recently one could say that I had a reconciliation with my mother. For the last 3.5 decades, we have not had a relationship. My mother has not been a part of my life, or my daughters lives. And I am not sure if I would describe it as a reconciliation, but more of closure?? Maybe??

My mother has suffered with mental illness her entire adult life. Back in the 80’s, mental health issues were not discussed on the forefront like they are today. So many illnesses were misdiagnosed and left untreated. This happened to my mother. But this also happened to me and my siblings–we endured right along with her and it was a complete nightmare at times. We have had to learn to live with the wounds and scars created within the walls of our childhood homes. Had it not been for my dad, our grandparents and my friends—I would be completely lost and not have the life I have now. They truly saved me. Over and over. Then when I had a my own family, they saved me even more.

There wasn’t one particular event that triggered removing my mother from my life, but several outbursts + violent verbal attacks added up over the months and years. Once I became a mother, I was determined to show my daughters all the love and support they deserved. I wanted and NEEDED to give them what I never had.

I have done that and will forever continue to do that with my girls. They know they have my heart completely.

Recently, my mother became very ill. She doesn’t have much time left in this world. I thought long and hard if I wanted to see her, and after much needed prayer and guidance, I decided to pay her visit.

Our visit wasn’t something out of the movies. No happy ending, no never-ending apologies–but it was good, nonetheless. We laughed, she gave me some items she had saved and put aside for me (she is putting together boxes for me and my siblings because she knows time is running out) and we told each other we loved each other. I also told her I had a better understanding of how & why her life is what it is. It is heartbreaking. For all of us. Because we all missed out on what our mom should have been.

For those that know me well, you know just how terrified I was to see her, but I also went in without any expectations—And with my very protective and loving husband. This made all the difference–had I went in expecting something special, I would have been deeply hurt.

This is now my healing era. Healing from all the pain/hurt caused by the one person who was supposed to love me the most. I have forgiven her, and I have forgiven myself for not understanding how much help she desperately needed. I do not know if I will see her again, I kind of don’t want to ruin the good memory we now have. I would rather like to remember her as the mom I had before she became sick.

The mom who walked me across the street in New York City with long brown hair down to her waist wearing a baby blue mini skirt with a white turtleneck and white over the knee boots….This image of her from 1975 will forever be burned in my memory. She looked stunning. It was in this very moment as a 4-year-old girl–that I fell in love with fashion.

The mom who took me to see Snow White, Bambi and Sleeping Beauty and wiped my tears when I cried during those movies.

The mom who made sure I always had clean sheets after wetting the bed and never fussed at me and just told me it would be ok.

The mom who when we lived in Virgina, loved Halloween and wooden roller coasters on the beach.

The mom who was in there fighting to get out and be better but the battle was too hard.

The mom who I know would be here today if treatment had been available when she needed it.

There is so much sadness and so much pain but now there is healing. I made a choice that day I visited her–it was a choice to move forward and to finally let go of the pain. I do not want to carry intense pain with me the rest of my life. I have been grieving my mother for years but now it is time to heal. Hopefully my visit healed her a little bit too.

XOXO, Valerie